BY ALLISON FABIAN
Don't declare war every time your man messes up -- if you're into him long-term, here's how (and when) to pick a fight.
"Constantly riding your mate will put your entire relationship at risk," warns Sam Horn, author of Tongue Fu! How to Deflect, Disarm, and Defuse Any Verbal Conflict (St. Martin's). "The key is to strike a balance between the battles you choose to fight and those you choose to let go."
Ask yourself these six key questions when determining which conflicts are worth waging war over.
1. What's really bugging you?
He shows up for dinner at your place an hour late because his basketball game went into overtime, and then he spends 10 minutes bragging that his jump shots would have made Michael Jordan slink off the court in shame. Meanwhile, the only shot you're thinking about is the one you'd like to take at him. Hold it just a second!
Although he should have called and he still hasn't apologized, you need to step back, says David Stiebel, Ph.D., a professional mediator in Palo Alto, Calif., and author of When Talking Makes Things Worse! (Whitehall & Nolton, 1997). If he rarely commits crimes like this one, it could be a bite-your-tongue moment. Instead of whining, wait until you've calmed down, then tell him that you'd appreciate his phoning ahead the next time he's going to be held up more than 20 minutes.
Even if he habitually shows up late, you need to keep cool and consider any larger issues that may be contributing to your anger. For instance, maybe you feel his tardiness is a sign that he takes you for granted. Only when you've figured out what's wrong, says Stiebel, can you "come up with a concrete, positive move for him to make."
2. Is this a recurring theme?
Review the stats: "If whatever your man has done or said to offend seems out of the ordinary, then evaluate the extenuating circumstances," suggests Horn. Bernadette Woo, a 28-year-old consultant from New York City, recently found out that her fiance had called her boss while she was away on business to verify that she really was away on business. "My initial instinct was to go off on him for spying, but after reexamining the situation, I remembered that he'd just discovered that his brother's wife had had an affair during a trip she'd taken without him. Before that, my boyfriend had never been jealous."
3. Is he really in the wrong?
Sussing out whether he's really in the wrong is crucial before staging a showdown. "Ask your pals for a reality check," suggests Stiebel. "If they tell you they've never dated a man who'd meet your standards, it's time to downscale your expectations".
4. Is this really a big deal?
Okay, so you aren't exactly pleased that he used one of your $400 pumps to crush a bug, but ask yourself: Does such a relatively innocent mistake warrant an all-out attack on him? Not really, says Sandra Thomas, Ph.D., author of Use Your Anger: A Woman's Guide to Empowerment (Pocket Books, 1996). "Bringing up every little thing that bothers you will simply give your man argument overload," she explains. "And when this happens, the effectiveness of your outbursts is diluted because he starts to block you out." So which offenses merit an immediate "Watch it, bud"? Any kind of abuse, i.e., lying, betrayal, or controlling behavior, says Thomas. And don't let too much time pass before expressing resentments "otherwise your anger will build to a point where it's not commensurate with the crime," she adds.
5. Is arguing actually going to get you anywhere?
If your man simply can't meet your needs, you can bully him as though you were Mike Tyson in the boxing ring and you still won't gain a thing. "Unless you're able to come up with constructive advice that your man can take to change, don't bring up the issue," says Thomas. For example, if you love Bach but your babe is tone-deaf, face facts: He's never going to become a classical-music nut -- no matter how much he loves you.
6. Are you ready to deal with the consequences if this is the Big One?
Figure out whether waging all-out war is worth the risk. Tap into your psychic powers and predict the worst aftermath of the battle. "There's the possibility that your man might walk," Horn explains.
"It always annoyed me that my fiance talked to his mother every single day. Finally, I blew up at him a few weeks before our wedding," says Talia Diaz, a 33-year-old real estate broker in Miami. "Although we eventually got back together, my fiance initially called off the wedding. If I'd thought about whether I'd rather live with a man who has constant chats with his mother or live without the man I love, I never would have brought it up. It really didn't matter all that much."
Of course, you must also ask yourself whether keeping quiet is worth the price. "Will you be able to live with yourself if you don't speak up?" asks Horn. So what will devastate you more: Staying silent or being suddenly single? Ultimately, says Horn, you have to go with your gut.
No comments:
Post a Comment