What He's Really Thinking -- Revealed

BY TIM DOWLING
Confront the average man with the prospect of a serious emotional discussion and he'll take it as a signal to begin immediate evasive action -- by starting an argument, staring blankly at the television, or perhaps faking a brain hemorrhage. Men regard emotional self-exploration as both risky and unnecessary. It's not so much a case of "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" as "Do not remove back cover. Danger of electric shock."

So how do you coax a man into opening up and speaking candidly? There are no easy answers, but below are some ideas worth trying before you resort to communicating with hand puppets.

1. Ease into it. Most women's attempts at heart-to-hearts fall apart with the first sentence because they almost invariably lead with that conversational bomb threat, "We need to talk." (Even worse is the oft-tossed "Can I ask you something?") Men tend to panic in situations like this, and when you tell him you need to talk, he imagines the worst-case scenario: You're either leaving him, pregnant, or some unholy combination of the two. (Actually, just the fact that you have to talk at all is a worst-case scenario.)

If you have an issue with him, talk to him like another man would: in an indirect and roundabout way. Let's say he's been acting creepier than a guest star on The X-Files and you're wondering what's up. Start reminiscing about a time the two of you shared and really enjoyed. Then ease into an almost rhetorical "I wonder why things haven't been like that lately..." The idea is not to hit him with the question -- you want to sort of lay it out there and let him warm up to it.

2.Choose your words carefully. Remember, when it comes to emotional stuff, guys panic very easily. When speaking, avoid trigger words like finished, future, needs, late, cycle, good-bye, sorry, I've, met, someone, and else, all of which will cause him to wring his hands and make strange snorting noises. Instead, play to a man's conversational strengths. You'll get much better results, for example, if you don't ask him how he feels about something. Instead, ask him what he thinks about it, thereby appealing to his inner cocktail-party bore. Semantic trickery perhaps, but it works.

3. Don't stare. Another common mistake women make is to look a guy right in the eye when they're trying to get a from-the-heart response. Men don't do eye-to-eye very well. A man knows that if someone is looking him in the eye, that person is (a) about to take a swing at him, (b) his mother, (c) a divorce attorney. Confronted, men become defensive, and nothing says confrontation more than full iris-to-iris contact.

One of the best times to bring up a sensitive topic, then, is when the two of you are in bed, spooning. Full-body intimacy and no pesky eye contact give him the confidence to open up a bit. Besides, when a man holds you, it makes him feel protective of you. Which means he won't be as concerned with protecting himself.

(now whose more complicated than us women?)

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